There is an opinion that the main thing in marriage is sexual compatibility. Like, if a couple is sexually satisfied, then everything will be all right in the family. However, the reality is not so clear.
The theory on which mutual sexual satisfaction was based on satisfactory love relationships and especially a happy marriage was born at the beginning of our century. The causes of many unhappy marriages were then sought in the fact that the partners in the marriage did not achieve “sexual conformity”. This “conformity” could not be achieved due to ignorance of the “correct” sexual behavior, that is, non-mastery of the sexual technique by one or both partners. Naturally, in order to help inexperienced couples, many books gave instructions and advice regarding the correct sexual technique and promised, hidden or explicit, that, if used, happiness and love would come. Alas, life has refuted the idea that love is a direct result of sexual pleasure. It turned out that even if two people learn to sexually satisfy each other, this does not mean that they will love each other.
Outstanding psychoanalyst Erich Fromm notes: “Love is not the result of adequate sexual satisfaction, sexual happiness, even the knowledge of the so-called sexual technique is the result of love. If this thesis needed a different, besides daily observation, proof, then such proof could be found in the extensive material of psychoanalytic data. Studying the most frequent sexual problems – frigidity in women and more or less acute forms of mental impotence in men shows that the reason is not in the lack of knowledge of the correct technique, but in inhibitions that produce this inability to love. Fear or hatred of the other sex are the cause of the difficulties that prevent a person to surrender completely, act spontaneously, directly and simply trust the sexual partner in physical intimacy. If a person with sexual inhibitions can get rid of fear or hatred and gain the ability to love, her or his sexual problems will disappear. If not, knowledge of the sexual technique will not help either. ”
Virginia Satir (American psychologist, psychotherapist) adheres to a similar point of view: “Let’s start with the fact that people who marry are often essentially not aware of each other. sexual attraction can push them to unite their destinies, but it does not guarantee either compatibility of character or friendship. Harmoniously developed people are aware that they are sexually attractive to many. The ability to create a collaborative, rich, creative life requires compatibility in many other areas. In bed, we spend relatively little time. Sexual compatibility is certainly important in close relationships with adults. Nevertheless, everyday full-fledged relationships require much more than the sexual attraction of the spouses. It may even happen that at some point for various reasons, sexual relations will lose their role. Humans can still evolve. ”
Of course, sexual compatibility is an important condition for a strong marital union, but to put it “at the forefront,” as is sometimes done, would still be wrong.